My 100th Post! Or, Who Wants To Marry A Porn Star?

After 4 1/2 months, 85 Google searches for “king kong” (really?), 30 clicks on Dow Corning’s boob, several dead forests, and who knows how many complaints, I’ve finally reached one hundred posts!  I don’t know if I accomplished my original goal of being more productive, but I have had fun.

In the spirit of having fun over actually getting something done, I’m not even going to pretend this post relates to PAing. A friend e-mailed me this article from the Details website entitled, “What If Your Wife Were A Porn Star?”, by Michael Kaplan.

Wow.

Each sentence seems to be specifically designed to be more horrifying than the last.

Ryder Sky and her husband, Bill, are celebrating their third anniversary.

Aww…

They keep it simple and order in pizza.

…That’s kinda lame.

She lowers her mouth onto the erect penis of a sideburned actor…

Whaaaa?

…who calls himself James Deen.

Wait, that doesn’t even make sense.  Is that a pun of some kind?

‘Now give me a jawbreaker.’ Sky adjusts Deen’s penis so that its head causes her left cheek to bubble.

So, now there’s another dude, watching and telling her what to do.

‘Do you ever do anal?’ the director asks her.

Is this professional curiosity?

Nine hours later,

Holy fucking shit!

…the handblown glass dildo artfully displayed on their coffee table…

Let’s not throw around words like “handblown” in this article, alright, Mr. Kaplan?

Sky and Bill met in 2002 while working together at an independent film-production company.

Well, I guess you can’t help who you fall in love with.

…in the year since she quit her job as an executive assistant to become a full-time porn star…

Whoa whoa whoa, she became a porn star after they got married?

…he can’t keep from mulling over the fact that he’s home alone while she’s getting it on with another man.

Really?  Shocker.

He trails off with a what-can-you-do groan.

A number of options occur to me.

While you toil away at a conventional job during the week, your wife spends eight hours a day getting plowed by guys.

Hang on.  This guy doesn’t even work in porn?  So he has no ancillary perks from this situation?

There are the indelible mental images…

Of course, there’s also the actual images.

You don’t even get to have sex with her all that often…

Whoa, there, doggies.  Let’s back this wagon train right the fuck up.  What do you mean, not “all that often”?  Isn’t that the point to marrying a porn star?  Well, at least he gets to have weird, kinky sex…

Bill describes his sex life with Sky as vanilla.

Oh, my God!  What the hell is going on?!  The director just gave her blow job tips before asking if she does anal, and this guy gets vanilla? Rarely?

His wife’s habitually telling colleagues she’s ‘in a relationship’ rather than married.

You know what, dude?  You’re not married.  You have a porn star for a roommate who occasionally fucks you when she feels sorry for you.

And then there’s the picture.

Have you ever seen a more defeated man in your life?  And the chick is like, “Oh, Gawd, do I have to take a picture with this loser?  Say, you’re cute.  You ever do anal?”